baby you're on my mind
messin with this sik rhyme
u in my thoughts all day
wish you'd come over n stay
lay with me don't let go
this girl's ur fo sho
wink wink and take a peek
blue eyes freckles sneak
these eyes only for u baby
i'm ur girl, i'm ur baby

You know.. it's weird. This whole love thing. I mean I don't think I've been in love.. I'd prefer to use othere emotions to describe the way I have felt. And now the way I feel, well I'd love to say it's love but I just can't. I hate being hurt. And so, I hate being open. Maybe someone will force me to be open and then I'll know they are the one...? I don't know. I have such a hard time opening up. But I want nothing more than to open up. Maybe he's not the one? Maybe I should try harder? Who is to know? I love. I want so badly to be in the place that I am meant to be. You know what I mean.... Whether it is that older man... or that slightly older man.. or that much older man.. I want to be there. I want to got to school.. but I want him to care for me... ahhhhh it is so hard to explain.. I am soo independent and I won't let a man do a thing for me.. and yet I know the man that does.. and forces me to.. will be the man for me :)

I broke up with my boyfriend last night. It was the worst kind of break-up. The one where neither of you wants to let go. But I had to. We had to. This song is the only thing consoling me right now. He is my very best friend and I will never forget him.

Some day, when I'm awfully low,

When the world is cold,

I will feel a glow just thinking of you...

And the way you look tonight.

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm

And your cheeks so soft,

There is nothing for me but to love you,

And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,

Tearing my fear apart...

And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,

It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely ... Never, ever change.

Keep that breathless charm.

Won't you please arrange it ?

'Cause I love you ... Just the way you look tonight.

Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm, Just the way you look to-night.

I wonder if it's possible to have a love affair that lasts forever.
--Andy Warhol

Interesting thought really, it gave me the chills as soon as I read it. Just the thought of a love affair that lasted forever. I mean wouldn't that be the ultimate love.. it doesn't have to be a love affair as in cheating, but for the love to be an affair. You know something really so important it's not just a relationship but an affair! Yes with exclamation that everyday it's like going to a party, every day a benefit ball in your names, in your names of love. Doesn't it sound so exciting?

Maybe thats not what Andy was saying maybe he meant the usual love affair, is it possible for that to last forever, as in the nuclear model of love.

I think I am in love. I don't really know what it is about him. Maybe his casual personality, his voice. The fact that he's not perfect. Y'know what's weird, I'm never attracted to those perfect guys; not into blonde, or tan-skinned perfect body fellows.. you know what I'm saying. No, there's something about vulnerability that gets me every time.

How do I get away?
From everything, of course. How do I just run run run, far away. Its like that sad, sad Christmas song, I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

Can you even ever really get away? Thanks to thoughts and memories, its always there.. not even for a few minutes can you ignore or deny the past. This is depression I believe, by definition, dwelling negatively on the past, letting the past bring you down. Realizing you can do nothing about the past.

Oh Christmas where have you gone?

And there is nothing you can do. The bad things that happen to you, the horrible things that people say to you.. they are always there. Always. Counseling and therapy I suppose are ways to make you see them in a different light, learn from them and use them to grow. It all sounds good in theory.. but does it work.. or does it just take hard work, to really get out of there and become a better person.

Do you have any idea what it is like for the person who loves you most, who you most love, who is most dear to you tells you every possible thing that could hurt you? Do you have any slight idea? It is the worst feeling in the world. It feels like torture.. it feels so wrong.
And this, this is what I have to get away from.. but how can I possibly do it? And is it even possible. Of course it is, nothing is impossible. But really... what can I do?

Also, what is that person to me now? Do they love me? Do I love them? Are they hurt? Do they realize how much they have hurt me? Do they realize that I relive those 3 hours over and over in my head, it is so much more than real, it is so real, it just happened, it happened to me and no matter how much of a blur it is to them, it is crystal clear to me.

I must go. I must leave this mess. Even if we could work it out, could I even forgive? I have in the past yes. I have given several second chances, yes. I was hopeful. I was in love. But I cannot be here anymore. It is not right to myself. What does he have that I must suffer through this all and wait for him to promise "he can really change." ? I am a firm believer that change comes through time and events... and maybe since he hasn't been able to change in the past, maybe leaving him is the only thing to do to help him. You see, I am not even selfish, I hope the best for him, I hope he changes so some other poor girl does not have to go through this. But I cannot suffer through this anymore. We have had our journey. Our adventure, our love, our sufferings, our learning experiences. We have had it all. The best, and the worst. And now it must come to an end. There is nothing more for us here. Wouldn't he rather start over with someone else anyway, spend the rest of his life with someone he hasn't hurt so much? Wouldn't that be better for him, easier, healthier? And for me also.. I must go. This was the first volume in the books of my life, but just as everything does, there is a time, there is an end, and now is the time for this to end.

Adieu.

Sadly, adieu, mi amor.