How do I get away?
From everything, of course. How do I just run run run, far away. Its like that sad, sad Christmas song, I wish I had a river I could skate away on.
Can you even ever really get away? Thanks to thoughts and memories, its always there.. not even for a few minutes can you ignore or deny the past. This is depression I believe, by definition, dwelling negatively on the past, letting the past bring you down. Realizing you can do nothing about the past.
Oh Christmas where have you gone?
And there is nothing you can do. The bad things that happen to you, the horrible things that people say to you.. they are always there. Always. Counseling and therapy I suppose are ways to make you see them in a different light, learn from them and use them to grow. It all sounds good in theory.. but does it work.. or does it just take hard work, to really get out of there and become a better person.
Do you have any idea what it is like for the person who loves you most, who you most love, who is most dear to you tells you every possible thing that could hurt you? Do you have any slight idea? It is the worst feeling in the world. It feels like torture.. it feels so wrong.
And this, this is what I have to get away from.. but how can I possibly do it? And is it even possible. Of course it is, nothing is impossible. But really... what can I do?
Also, what is that person to me now? Do they love me? Do I love them? Are they hurt? Do they realize how much they have hurt me? Do they realize that I relive those 3 hours over and over in my head, it is so much more than real, it is so real, it just happened, it happened to me and no matter how much of a blur it is to them, it is crystal clear to me.
I must go. I must leave this mess. Even if we could work it out, could I even forgive? I have in the past yes. I have given several second chances, yes. I was hopeful. I was in love. But I cannot be here anymore. It is not right to myself. What does he have that I must suffer through this all and wait for him to promise "he can really change." ? I am a firm believer that change comes through time and events... and maybe since he hasn't been able to change in the past, maybe leaving him is the only thing to do to help him. You see, I am not even selfish, I hope the best for him, I hope he changes so some other poor girl does not have to go through this. But I cannot suffer through this anymore. We have had our journey. Our adventure, our love, our sufferings, our learning experiences. We have had it all. The best, and the worst. And now it must come to an end. There is nothing more for us here. Wouldn't he rather start over with someone else anyway, spend the rest of his life with someone he hasn't hurt so much? Wouldn't that be better for him, easier, healthier? And for me also.. I must go. This was the first volume in the books of my life, but just as everything does, there is a time, there is an end, and now is the time for this to end.
Adieu.
Sadly, adieu, mi amor.
